After all those fun and games, it came time to restart the printer, and we're back to square one... This image, now that it's dark, really shows the extent of the issue.
On a side note, I actually had broken sensor wires, so the bed leveling issue has maybe been resolved. I still don't plan on having it run automatically, of course, but it's a handy trick and since I technically paid for it, I want it to work as well as it can. It was a 10 minute fix, not counting another 5 minutes hunting down a lost screw...