Wow, that is a very exhaustive list. I can't thank you enough! It will take me quite a while to run through all that and confirm/test it. That is certainly a wealth of information, and I do feel positive that a solution is in there somewhere.
This is clearly forecast to turn itself into it's own hobby however, and I simply don't have room for anymore hobbies.
I do have another machine, a Form2 - that just works, and doesn't require such extensive tinkering, plus the prints are just worlds apart compared to anything an FDM machine is capable of producing.
That being said, the machine is still for sale should someone be interested. I will entertain any reasonable offers. I will be certain to include your list to whoever ends up with the Ultimaker.
Thanks again to all!